by Tommy Gimler
To say that Manny Machado has a bright future in Major League Baseball is a bigger understatement than me saying I’d like to kiss Kate Upton, as everybody knows I would eat ravioli out of her asshole, and I hate pasta. But what Machado attempted today during the 11-1 ass pounding administered by the Oakland Athletics was almost as bush-league as your cousin saying he “accidentally” fingered your wife.
Allow us to set the stage.
It’s been a tough go of it this year for Machado, as the Baltimore Orioles third baseman is struggling to find his 2013 form after offseason knee surgery. And other than a home run during Baltimore’s 4-3 loss Friday night, it’s been a tough series against Oakland for Machado as well. It was also during Friday night’s game that Machado lost his shit because…wait for it…he thought Josh Donaldson tagged him too hard:
Fast-forward to the bottom of the eighth inning of today’s ass beating with the Orioles down 10-0 at the time. Oakland’s Fernando Abad’s first pitch to Machado nearly pegged him, and even though it was probably intentional, Machado’s reaction on the very next pitch was probably the most dickhead thing we’ve ever seen on a big league diamond:
If you’re asking yourself who in the hell would throw a bat at an opposing player on a baseball diamond, I guess the answer is a woman and/or Manny Machado.
Commentary
Manny Machado needs to chill the fuck out. You’re Manny Machado for fuck’s sake. Not Derek Jeter. Not Albert Pujols. Hell, you’re not even Josh Donaldson. You have had one good half-season in your career, so fuck off. You’re still a nobody who can only dream of one day getting the honor of just sniffing Mike Trout’s jock strap for a few moments. Act like you’ve been here before. If somebody hits you with a pitch and you want to do something about it, run out to the mound and put the pitcher in a headlock and start hammering away on his dome with your fists a la Nolan Ryan. But don’t pull some Delmon Young bull shit and start throwing baseball bats at human beings…
